It was just too crazy.
To say that it mystified Hoyt "Big Boy" Bagby himself
Would be to understate the degree of his scatological absurdity.
But such were the unexplainable changes of his bowel movements,
As he systematically reduced his gargantuan weight,
From 657 pounds of staggering, immobilizing, unadulterated fat,
To a magazine-ad-svelte, ab-rippling physique
Barely tipping the teeters, at 145, stripped to the bones —
A feat he accomplished, in an astonishing period of a year and a half,
With a regimen as rigorous as it was predictably disciplined:
Proper diet melded with great forays into cutting-edge exercise,
Conducted by a trained dietician and a professional kinesiologist.
What wasn't anticipated were the fluctuations in his defecations.
And therein lay the basis for Big Boy's stupefaction.
In the beginning, his discharges were perfectly normal —
Perfect, in that they were of the same size, texture, and hue.
Every plop measured approximately eighteen inches, in length,
Four inches, in diameter, weighing a yellowish-brown forty ounces.
Each piece of feces was of the decidedly human species.
And, indeed, the very need for Bagby to classify his poo-poos
Became all too unavoidable, within two weeks.
At 610, he was forming turds with the shape and bulk of an elephant's.
They clogged his toilets, forced him outdoors, to take a crap.
At 540, his droppings resembled those of a Nile hippo's.
When he had slimmed down to the mid-three hundreds,
His evacuations reconstituted themselves, into moose manure;
At 245, into white-tail-deer pellets; at 165, into Chihuahua ca-ca.
And once he reached his target weight of just under 150,
Until the day he no longer desired to remain in a state of "maintaining,"
His coprolite was that of the common house mouse.
What changed his outlook, after three years of being slender,
Was not so much the constant adulation he received
Or the fact that the compliments made him highly self-conscious,
So much as that he longed for the sweet, steaming, grainy smell
His vast cascades of elephant cakes gave off,
And he was repulsed by his rodent BB's, their black, acrid odor.
When his disgust reached self-loathing's DEFCON 1,
He began foraging twigs, bark, seeds, cereals, and greens, in bulk.
In a year, he'd gone from mouse to moose to hippo back to pachyderm.
And that would have been Hoyt "Big Boy" Bagby's happy ending,
Were it not that he ballooned to 918 pounds,
Taking immense pride in BM's only a blue whale could produce.
04/15/09 - (1)